I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where are you?
Hypothermia
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize