guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
