I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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