Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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