Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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