So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
