I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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