Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
