I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
