New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
