Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
