Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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