he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
