shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
