Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
