Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
