You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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