what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
