in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
