I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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