she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
