I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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