This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
