my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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