why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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