Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize