i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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