His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
