You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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