Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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