Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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