SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
