I love having hate sex.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
