Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
