I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
