We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
