You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
