Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
