..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
