Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
