Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
