I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
