No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
