my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
