who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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