i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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