I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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