Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
