i wish starbucks made bloody marys
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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