There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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