Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
