does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.