McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
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Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
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I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.