Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.