I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.