i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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