half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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