Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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