Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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